Get the Message/Uncensored Transcript
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING TRANSCRIPT CONTAINS BAD LANGUAGE AND IT IS NOT FOR ANYONE UNDER 17. IF YOU ARE NOT INTO THIS, THEN STICK WITH THE ORIGNAL TRANSCRIPT. Script [Some video game sound effects are playing; Lincoln is playing a VR game where you fight zombies with breakdancing.] Lincoln: Take that, zombie! [twerks] Feel my a**, you evil b**ch! [killing zombies; does a pelvic thrust.] HOO! [Lincoln continues to breakdance; he goes up the stairs and does more moves in the hallway where he then enters one particular room.] Lori: LINCOLN!!!!!! Lincoln: [takes the goggles off and sees Lori making an angry face at him.] Holy crap!!! Lori: There's only one rule in this house: Stay out of my bedroom! If I see you in here again, I will literally twist you into a human pretzel! the phone No, not you, Bobby. giggles One sec, okay? Lincoln out of her room. puts his goggles back on and continues to dance the zombies away. Lincoln: OH, YEAH! into the bathroom; realizes what he's doing in there. Zombies don't need to see this. the goggles off and sets them on the sink. a knock at the door. Lincoln: Occupied! knocking then turns into a pounding. I can't believe some... door to see Lori is there. Lori: the phone Bobby, you'll never guess what Whitney said to me today. Lincoln: rhetorically That you don't respect a man's privacy?" Lori: Lincoln and kicking him out. No, silly! Not even. She was all like... goes to his room and realizes something. Lincoln: "Oh no! My gaming glasses!" to the bathroom but is stopped by Lola and Lana who are dressed in some kind of authority attire. Lana: "No running in the hallway!" Lincoln: "Huh? What are you talking about?" Lola: "Lana, is this maggot giving you lip?" Lincoln up Lana: "We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home." give Lincoln a ticket. Lola: "If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes." Luan in a cardboard jail cell. Luan: "Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months!" to rimshot "Get it?" Lola: "That's five more minutes, dirt bag!" Lincoln: "Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear." Lana: "NO SWEARING!" they leave for their room/office, Lincoln goes to the bathroom to find that his goggles are now totaled. Lincoln: "Someone stepped on my glasses! NOOOOOO!!!" Lori kicked him out when he left them in there, he automatically blames her and sees that she left in the family van. Lincoln: enraged "LORI! YOU SON OF A B**CH!!!!!" ---- Clyde is being told the story of the incident. Lincoln: "One minute I'm electric-sliding with the undead, and the next..." groans "IT'S ALL F**KING LORI'S FAULT!!!!!" Clyde: the goggles "I can't believe it!" Lincoln: "I know! She didn't even say sorry!" Clyde: lovestruck "No. I can't believe these were touched by Lori's beautiful tootsies..." the glasses Lincoln: "Snap out of it, Clyde! Lori's a monster! All she cares about is talking on her stupid phone! Well, I'm going to give her a call she'll never forget..." Clyde: "What are you gonna say?" looks in his drawer and pulls out a sheet of paper and shows it to Clyde. Clyde: "Why 'blank' is the worst sister ever?" Lincoln: evilly "I knew this would come in handy someday. I just didn't know which sister would be getting it." Lori's name in the blank. "But you, Lori Loud, have made my decision very easy." Lori's phone number on his duck phone. Lincoln: impatient "Agh. Must be charging her phone. No worries. I'll just leave it on her voicemail." Voicemail: "Hey, this is Lori. You know what to do." Beep Lincoln: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are... ARE THE WORST MOTHERF**KING SISTER EVER!!! YOU BROKE MY F**KING GAME GOGGLES, BLAMING ME FOR STEPING INTO YOUR DAMN ROOM AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE THE WORST SISTER EVER!!! BUY ME A NEW GAME GOGGLES OR I WILL KICK YOUR F**KING A**!!!!!!!!!" up "What do you think, Clyde?" faints; Lori enters Lori: "Hey, idiot. I just wanna say I'm so sorry I stepped on your stupid toy. So I went out and bought you a stupid new one." Lincoln: at her generosity "You did what now?" Lori: him new glasses "Also, I'm very impressed you didn't freak out over this. Very mature." Lincoln: chuckles "Yep. That's me. Mr. Mature." Lori leaves, Lincoln realizes he made a terrible mistake. "Clyde! What have I done? I called Lori a-" riff "-when she's actually a-" string "What am I gonna do?! You're right! Lori clearly hasn't listened to the voicemail yet, or I'd be a human pretzel. We gotta delete the message!" Clyde: to "Huh?" over Lincoln: "Good talk." ---- and Clyde are peaking out the door; Lola and Lana are tracking a trail of poop that leads from Lynn and Lucy's room to Luan and Luna's; Lori has locked up her room and entered the security password and leaves." Lincoln: "Perfect! Lori doesn't have her cell which means it's still in there charging. Our mission is to infiltrate her room and delete the message before she gets back." Clyde: "But Lori's room is off limits." Lincoln: "I know. That's why I need you to be a lookout for her." Clyde: "That's easy. I'm always on the lookout for Lori." Lincoln: "Then let's do this!" fistbump for luck. Clyde: through the hallway "In position." Lincoln: "Roger that." Lana: "I know poop when I see it, and that's definitely some poop." Lincoln: "Drat! The po-po! I can't go through, so I'm gonna have to go over!" sneaks by while the twins check the sound he made only to see he's nowhere; he's hiding up on the top of the doorway and tosses a hamster treat that Geo goes after. Lana: "Hey, fur ball! No speeding!" twins give chase to Geo. Twins: "Hey! What did we just say? Get back here!" sneaks into the vent. Lincoln: "I'm in." Clyde: a schematic of the house "Great. Proceed two clicks north, hook a left, and you should be right over the target." heads down that pathway. Lincoln: "I've got eyes on the package." breaks into Lori's room and finds the phone still charging. Clyde: "Lincoln! Lori's coming!" Lincoln: "You're going to have to stall her!" Clyde: "Roger that..." a mustache on his upper lip with a marker and tears off his shirt, revealing a white tux underneath it and acts so suave as Lori approaches. "Hey, beautiful, you take these stairs often?" Lori: her arms around him and swoons "I will now...handsome~..." to him grabs the phone and starts playing the message. Message: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln." deletes it Phone: "Message deleted." sneaks out right before Lori enters; and it turns out it was all just a dramatization of what could happen. ---- Lincoln: "And that's how we're gonna do it!" Clyde: "I love it! Especially the part where I get to talk to Lori." applying perfume onto him. Lincoln: coughs "Is that perfume?" Clyde: "Yeah. It's my Nana's." Lincoln: "Here are the blueprints for the vents." Clyde a drawing of them with some red stuff all over it. Clyde: "Are these food stains?" Lincoln: "I eat ketchup-sandwiches while I floor-plan." a door opening "Quiet! Lori's coming!" locks the door to her room and enters the security password just like in the dramatization. Lincoln: "Okay, let's do this." Clyde: over to the position from the dramatization. "I'M IN POSITION!" loud feedback on the other end knocks Lincoln back. Lincoln: "Roger that." Lola writing Lily up for not wearing her diaper. Lola: "No, I can't let you off with a warning!" Lily: laughs sneaks by, but Cliff gets on his hat and starts padding it; Lincoln shoos him off only for the cat's tail to hit his nose and stifles a sneeze with Lily's diaper. Lola: "Next time, remember. This is a mandatory diaper zone!" realizes he just used it and throws up; this gets the twin guards' attention and he's hiding up the doorway, but his hands are covered in ketchup, causing him to slip. Lincoln: "Gah...ketchup fingers..." twins see Lily crawling away. Lana: "SHE'S MAKING A CRAWL FOR IT!" chase after her; Lincoln manages to sneak into the vents. Lincoln: "Clyde, I'm in." Clyde, get me to Lori's room, now." '' Clyde: "Go three clicks, and a right. Or was it three rights and a click? Wait. What's a click?" Lincoln: around "Never mind. I think I'm there." through the vent hatch and slips; Lucy catches him before he hits the bathroom floor. Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln." Lincoln: "Phew. Thanks, Luce." radio fell into the toilet. Clyde: "Lincoln! Everything okay?" Lincoln: and plunges the radio out "Yeah, Clyde." at the soggy texture his radio has been contaminated with. "Everything's perfect." ---- vent excavations Lincoln: "I've got eyes on the package." Clyde: "Package? What about Lori's phone?" facepalms and enters Lori's room via a red rope; however, it seems to be coming undone. Lincoln: "Clyde, what kind of rope is this?" Clyde: "Cherry licorice rope." screams and thuds onto the floor; this gets Lori's attention as she heads up the stairs to check it out. Clyde: frantic "Lincoln! Lori's coming!" suave "Don't worry, I'll stall her." a fake mustache on his upper lip and takes his shirt off and approaches Lori only to be stunned by her beauty. Lori: "What?" suddenly gets a nasty nosebleed from his shyness. Lori: "Ugh! Gross!" to her room is just about to delete the message when he hears Lori just about to come on; she enters and looks around with an displeased look on her face; Lincoln is hiding under her bed; Lori kicks off her shoes right under them and they hit Lincoln in his face. Lincoln: "Ugh!" his mouth Lori: checks under her bed "So, this is where all my shoes are." all her shoes under her bed had escaped her line of sight and tries reaching for the phone, but Walt perches right onto it and bites Lincoln's finger, making him hold in his yelp of pain; Lori's phone finishes charging. Lori: "Finally." phone "Ooh! New messages! I'm so loved!" leaves Lincoln: panicking "Mission is compromised! The package is on the move? Clyde?" has covered his nostrils with tissues to clear up the bleeding. Lincoln: "Clyde! Do you read me?!" is listening to all of her messages she got. Message 1: "Hey, babe. It's Bobby. Do you think we'll always be together?" Lori: "Aww! Totes saving that one!" it faints again Message 2: "Hey, babe. It's Bobby again. Should our couple name be Bori or Lobby?" Lori: it "Saved." hurries to stop Lori from getting to his message, but the twins stop him. Lola: "We warned you, dirt bag!" Lana: "It's the clink for Linc!" Lincoln: "Look! Luan's making a jailbreak!" twins turn around and Lincoln makes a break for it downstairs. Lana: "Hey!" Lola: "Oh, forget that bum. He's out of our jurisdiction now." Lana: "Yeah. Let's get doughnuts." head out for a doughnut break; Lincoln gets downstairs and finds out that he's too late and Lori is already listening to his hateful message. Message: "Hey, Lori. It's your dear brother, Lincoln." Lincoln: "Lori!" motion diving at her "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" at normal speed "Ugh!" Message: "There's something I've been meaning to tell you. You are..." looks on in horror, but Lori deletes it before the rant can begin. Lori: "Ugh! Delete that stupid message Lincoln, there are two rules in this house: stay out of my room, and never call my phone! My voicemail is full enough without useless messages from you!" Lincoln: relieved "Gee, Lori, I'm sorry." Lori: "But, I'm gonna let it slide this time 'cause you were so mature when I broke your god damn toy!!!" Lincoln: chuckles "Yeah, right. That's me. Mr. Mature." gets a call and answers it. Lori: "Bobby. Only 12 messages today? I thought you cared about me." Lincoln: with relief; to the viewers "Next time I have a problem with one of my sisters, I'll just talk to them instead of leaving a message or writing a nasty letter." realizing Speaking of which, where is that letter?" around for it but can't find it. Lori: nose hairs while talking to Bobby "If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-" something on the floor "What's this? Why Lori is the worst sister ever? Bobby, I gotta go. I'M ABOUT TO TWIST THAT MOTHERF**KER INTO A HUMAN PRETZEL!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!!! the letter to Lincoln and is enraged "LINCOLN! WHAT THAT THE F**KING HELL IS THIS S**T?!" Lincoln: "Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man!" on his new game goggles and starts dancing away from Lori's wrath. Lori: "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA Category:Vhs